Philobytes

I wanted to give my testimony in an easy to reference place and what better place than my blog 😉

Part 1:
I was raised in a fairly stable family and went to church regularly with my mom and sister (my dad was not religious). In middle school, I identified as simply a christian, later I learned my branch was non-denominational. I went to a Christian High School and graduated fully believing in Young Earth Creation (YEC) and Ken Ham’s books.

Over the time during high school, I prayed the prayers to accept Jesus in my heart several times, but knew this was not the way to salvation as I had been taught baptism was necessary “to be saved”. I knew all the bible stories as told in bible Sunday church, but usually found preachers to be boring and preferred to read scriptures during service.

I wasn’t very good at prayer, and one year at church camp in the summer I asked special permission to read my bible during the half hour “prayer time” since I never could think of things to say for that long.

I really enjoyed nature and always “saw” God’s revelation in nature. I really enjoyed learning and “experiencing” God’s creation.
However, I had also during my quiet reflections experienced what my mother had described as “an empty feeling in my heart”. It felt like a dull ache.
It had always been there, when I looked for it, I could find it.

In the last year of High school, I revealed to my friends that I didn’t consider myself “saved”. My mom had been pressuring my dad during this time to “get saved” and my sister had been baptized the same year. It changed her for a while, but after a few months she was back to her “old self”. During that “honeymoon” period though, I had decided to get baptized and was “waiting for the invitation/calling”. I had experienced it a few times before but had been afraid to accept, and I thought at the time, I “had to go forward” only if I “felt that calling on that sunday”. But after much pressure from my friends and mom, I finally decided to “go forward”. And so I did.

I was really nervous on that day and kept asking myself if it was “right”. Finally, the end of the service came I I walked forward. My dad helped me get ready and I was dunked. My sister had described a great force hitting her and pushing her back under the water when she had been baptised. I felt nothing. I was disappointed and wondered if I had been wrong, maybe I wasn’t ready. Or something like that. I still felt that dull ache.

After, I changed and met everyone. The other church members were really happy and glad, but I was certain that it had somehow “not worked”. They asked me how I felt – I lied and said “Great”. I felt horrible – lying as my “first act” as a “Christian”. I just wanted to leave, but we had lunch. During the meal, I decided to “try to live the Christian life” by reading my Bible (1 chapter a night) and praying. Of course, I failed at that and each night I didn’t read, the pressure built up to try to catch up my reading. Finally, I gave up.

It didn’t help that I had told my friends at school that I was “getting saved” before I had gone through with it. But I survived and shortly after graduated HS. Went to Junior College, moved to Kansas and got my first job (miracle job, I called it).

During that time, I went to church when I could (sometimes had to work Sundays) and really enjoyed it. Sometimes I took communion, sometimes I didn’t. It was more about how I felt. Later I moved to another city in Kansas and fell away even more. I fell into a depression (working 2 low income jobs that didn’t pay be rising bills and I hated) and then the Mormons knocked n my door.

I knew some things about them, like their belief in a “Heavenly Mother”, but was curious to learn more – that and I wanted to “deconvert them, lol. So I talked to them over the next few months with no plans on joining and attempted to bring up some things I had googled. It wasn’t much of an effort, but I still had no intention of joining. After going through all of their “lessons” and reading a page or two of the Book of Mormon – it’s rather boring if you don’t really have a desire to read it – I still wasn’t sure about joining. Obviously, I was seriously considering it at that point.

So I decided to “put out a fleece” and test God. I asked Him to give me a sign that he wanted me to join. And I got the sign; or at least I felt like I had. It made me happy and excited. Though I knew from my previous experiences that I had to be sure that it was “God’s will” and not me being pressured. So I continued to question and debate. Finally, shortly after my 28th birthday, I was baptized.

I was still nervous, but I vowed that if I felt nothing afterwards, I would simply leave – knowing it was fake. So I got ready, by myself this time. And my new mormon friend, Jake, baptized me. I felt nothing after coming up. But, I also recognized I was in shock from the cool water. So, I decided to give it time and see if I felt anything later. After changing and drying off, I went out and we had a small sermon. During that time, I suddenly felt a really intense warmth starting in my chest and moving over my entire body. It tingled my toes all the way up to my head. I was extremely glad and happy. It was the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Even better than when I fell in love. The dull ache left me. It’s still gone. At that time I wasn’t into personal affection, but I wanted to hug everyone in the room.

It completely changed my life. I quit both of the horrible jobs, moved back to Colorado, went back to school for my Bachelors degree, began to change my thinking from being critical/judgemental of others and starting to want to understand them and not judge them. I still had problems with being judgy and critical, but each day I make strides and I don’t really make any special efforts to change, rather it has become natural to look at other’s perspective. I read most of the Book of Mormon in a year, the new testament, and the other books used in the mormon church. Old Testament is still long and boring in places, but I am studying it now (I’ve given up unrealistic goals of trying to read a chapter a night) and it’s eye opening. I truly count that time as one of the most life changing event in my life.

Continued in Part 2